“You scared me!” “I got scared!” “A part of me got scared…”
This progression happened in my head a couple of days ago, in the course of about five minutes. I was riding in the passenger seat while my husband drove. Something happened that sent a shot of adrenaline through my body – in hindsight it wasn’t all that threatening, but in the moment my senses perceived threat, my nervous system reacted, and I said something outload that was accusatory. A couple of heartbeats and breaths later, after I heard myself, came the thought, you scared me. Then as I continued to breathe, I had the thought, I got scared. And then, with more down-regulation, I had the thought, just a part of me got scared. And I was able to recognize that part, the one that holds memories of being in a car crash, memories that were triggered by what happened right then. And I was able to offer that part some love and appreciation, seeing how hard it is working to keep me safe.
I am grateful for my capacity to recognize when a part has taken over, and to be with it to help it feel safe and allow it to unblend. I used to think the goal of healing was to never get reactive. Now I believe it is more about being with whatever arises. Starting with simply realizing that reactivity is present. I can’t make it happen – you are asleep until you wake up. But I believe that all the time I have spent with my parts, getting to know them, and knowing what it feels like to be in Self, has created internal safety and space that allows me to more quickly recognize when a part has taken over. And once that has happened, there is more Self available to work with the part and calm my internal system.
And I am *very* grateful for my husband, who didn’t take it personally when I got reactive. A situation that once might have resulted in a fight, instead became an opportunity for greater self-understanding.
