Anger and fear have a close relationship, but that isn’t always clear. Anger is usually protective, the “fight” response when a threat is perceived. Often fear is underneath the anger. This makes sense when there is a real and present danger. However, sometimes people feel anger when there is no obvious threat, and unload a bunch of harsh criticism in the direction of someone else. Yelling at other drivers while behind the wheel of a car. Expressing judgement toward a family member.
How does this kind of anger relate to fear? Raging and blaming others is protective in that it keeps you from feeling your own vulnerability, which can be very uncomfortable and even frightening. It can leave you feeling open to attack. The vulnerable feeling was likely created by fear, from a sense of not feeling safe. And the bigger the fear, the bigger the anger needed to not feel it.
Unfortunately, big anger creates fear in other people, which often leads them to get angry back, or to flee. The person with the blaming anger is now either in a fight or alone, and neither of these helps them feel safer. The protective anger gets the exact opposite of what it wants; it wants more safety, and it gets less. This pattern happens at so many levels: intimate partnerships, families, within communities, between nations. We go to war to protect ourselves and end up increasing the threat instead. It is tragic.
Parts of me can get overwhelmed by the repeating pattern of fear and anger and feel hopeless. When I invite those parts of me to give me some space, and I drop my awareness down to feel my connection with the earth, I find myself able to expand and be with all of it – compassionate witnessing. This helps me be with anger in myself or others, without pushing it away. Getting curious and really listening to what’s underneath it. That simple act of allowing anger to be expressed (while not allowing harmful behaviors) can create a shift that interrupts the pattern and helps move toward greater safety and ease. Easier said than done. It’s a practice.
