Healthy boundaries – they are often spoken of as important, but what does that actually mean? As a child, I did not learn what a boundary is, let alone how to set one. This was all implicitly communicated, rarely explicit. Anger was generally not ok to express, something I figured out by watching others and by the reaction from others when I allowed it to come out. I have since learned the value of anger as a signal of a boundary crossed. What I am practicing now is how to know when something is getting close, rather than waiting for the big feeling of anger to get my attention. This means bringing all of this more into my conscious awareness, easier said than done.
Which has led me to wonder, what is a boundary? For me, the word communicates something solid, immovable – like a wall. According to Merriam Webster, a boundary is “something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.” I found this really helpful – specifically the word “limit.” My boundary is my limit – what I will or will not tolerate or allow. But it is not necessarily fixed in time – it can change. For me to know where my limit is in the moment, I need to be connected to myself, and especially to my body. I need to pay attention and recognize when something does not feel right, and not override that feeling in an attempt to please others or fit in. And I need to be willing to speak for that feeling, even if I don’t yet know its cause. It is enough to say, “something doesn’t feel right” and then pause to check in. Slowing things down is so helpful.
This was not something I learned as a child, nor were my attempts to set a boundary respected. So this is a practice. Something I hope to get better at over time, both in the noticing, and in speaking up skillfully.
May you have ease and safety as you navigate your own boundaries.
