I have a lot of different feelings and voices that arise during this month – specifically in the weeks leading up to Christmas. They are noisy, and confusing because often they pull me in different directions. I have a hard time with the gift giving aspect of the holiday, and there is a predictable sequence that seems to happen every year: my first feeling is one of being burdened by the need to spend money, effort, and time to find gifts for everyone that will make them happy. There are several parts bundled together in this – worry about money and a sense of scarcity, which in itself is two parts – will I spend too much? Will I not spend enough? Concern about effort and time are closely linked – how to even begin? I get overwhelmed by shopping anyway, just walking into a store can feel like a wall of sights and sounds that I might drown in, so adding the pressure of a deadline and the need to find the “right” thing just about sends me over the edge. Altogether, a part of me would love to just skip the whole thing.
But then I remember all the people in my life who I love and yearn for connection. Gift giving, offering something that is not guaranteed to please, can be so risky for the part of me that wants to be connected but worries about being enough – will the gift be enough? Will it be received with joy and delight? Or at least not with disappointment?
With this stew of yearning, anxiety, and the different strategies to try to minimize the bad feelings and get more of the good feelings that often pull in opposite directions, no wonder I have a hard time at this time of year. I am guessing I am not the only one. This year, I am practicing noticing all these feelings and allowing them to be there. That allows some space for noticing how much I love having a tree with colored lights in the living room. And walking after dark, seeing all the beautiful lights up around the neighborhood. I am grateful for the effort others made because the lights are one of my favorite parts of this time of year.
May you find ease as we move through this month.
