Is your daily routine something you are pushing through to get to somewhere else, and by doing this losing connection with yourself and those you live with?
What if you could use your daily routine to build connection?
These questions arose while I listened to Seth Kopald, an IFS practitioner, on The One Inside podcast (episode 13, 9/5/2019). Seth was talking about parenting and how in the daily processes of living (getting shoes on, getting to school, getting home, making dinner, getting ready for bed, etc.) we are often not present. We are trying to get through the activity to get to the next thing. But “when you add up all those routines… this is my daily life.” This really landed with me. I think this is also true for our interactions with any of our loved ones that we see daily, including our intimate partners. As Stan Tatkin says, we tend to automate our partners – doing things out of habit, not really present but instead running on memory. It is a totally normal, human thing to do. We often wait for date night or some other special time to create a sense of connection. And while I understand why, I also see how it leaves our daily life lacking and feeling empty.
What if we could find moments of warmth and connection inside the daily routine? Sounds simple, and it is – but not necessarily easy. Seth Kopald spoke of it as a practice – holding our daily routines “as our opportunity to practice compassion and presence.” That could be making intentional eye contact and softening your gaze, taking in your child/partner/family member/friend, finding one thing you appreciate about them, one thing that fills you up. It could be taking a moment to connect with your heart, and offering your love energy, and letting that fill you up. Something I practice with my husband daily, and adult children when I see them, is asking, What is one thing you would like me to know about you? This ritual has become our routine, but it is far from automated. It creates space to deeply connect, even if for a short time. And that feels really good.
