I love to plan. Thinking about what would be fun to do, if it is a vacation, or what would be useful for a group, if I am facilitating. Putting myself into the future. Imagining the possibilities, doing research, making decisions on behalf of my future self or clients. It is so engaging.
And sometimes I slide into anxiety. Second guessing thoughts run around in my mind – will that be a good thing to do? What other possibilities have I eliminated that might be better? What did I not think of? What do I need to bring? What if I forget something? Lying awake at night, the worrying about the plan can feel like too much. It gets in the way of rest. It can also block the excited anticipation of a trip, or an event. I used to try to breathe through the worry. Or get up and write down all the things on my mind, which can be very helpful. The blank paper becomes a container, holding the worries until the next day when action can happen. But I have also been frustrated that the worry was there in the first place and wanted it to go away.
I now realize that trying to push the worry away won’t help. It just makes it come back bigger. What works is getting curious about why it showed up. What is it afraid of? I look underneath the obvious. I find a small, young part that doesn’t trust that the world is a safe place. This part has good reason to not trust. Sometimes the world has not been a safe place, and that could happen again. In the middle of the night, it is not so helpful to say to this part of me, “stop worrying! If we forget the sunscreen, we can buy more” because that does not acknowledge its actual fear. Instead, it is much more comforting to say to this part of me, “of course you are worried. I get it.” Often just that is enough to let the worry relax enough to fall back asleep.
