Do you know what you want? Do you know what you need? And do you know the difference?

Over the course of my life, I have mostly not known what I wanted. Especially regarding everyday things, like food, drink, movement, clothes, sleep. When confronted with a choice about what to order at a restaurant, I would often freeze – and then look to see what others were ordering. I would try to think about what I wanted. What I did not do was check in with my body or my heart. I had learned to overuse my brain to figure things out. I had learned to look outside for direction and validation. I had also learned that being in my body was not necessarily safe. This made it very difficult to feel into what I wanted, or what I needed, let alone the difference. Sometimes a want seemed like a need, or I might unconsciously frame a want as a need when making a request, perhaps to increase the chances of a positive response. Most of the time I had no idea what I actually needed, and I did not trust myself to know. 

I am now practicing asking the questions – what is it that I want? What is it that I need? And then not answering, but rather sitting with the question and waiting for an answer to arise. This is so much easier said than done, particularly after a lifetime of practice looking outside or trying to figure it out with my brain. But it feels like a very important practice to cultivate a better sense of knowing what is nourishing to me – mind, body and soul. What feels good, what fills me up. And sometimes not knowing is just what happens. And then it feels freeing to say “I don’t know” when asked.

I hope this practice will help me get more in touch with what I want, the difference between a need and a want, and increase trust in my Self.