Many people have a part inside of them that feels like they don’t belong where they are – that they are not qualified, or good enough, or whatever, and worries that they will be discovered, found out, and rejected. This part can sap confidence and take up energy trying to fit in, not be caught. For some it is a small niggling self doubt, for others it is a huge overwhelming feeling that takes over.
Common advice in how to respond is to try and talk yourself out of this belief by looking at all your accomplishments or engage in other positive self talk. That strategy might work in the short term, countering the doubting voice by strengthening other voices inside of you. The thing is, you can’t talk yourself into authentic self-confidence. As long as there is a part that believes you are an imposter, there will always be this doubt, lurking. You can push it far away, but it will still be there, a part of you. It is likely to come back bigger, the farther you try and push it away.
What can you do instead? Meet this part with self-doubt with an open heart. Get to know it – why does it believe that? Where did that belief come from? How is this belief trying to help you? What was going on in your life when you took on this belief? Kids are not born believing they don’t belong. They adopt that belief from somewhere – and usually as a protective strategy. Sometimes our beliefs are from personal experience, and sometimes they are cultural burdens. How much of your belief that you don’t belong is yours, and how much belongs to your family or the broader culture? When you understand this part of you better, it is easier to meet it with compassion. To accept it, rather than push it away. And it is possible to help the vulnerability underneath the belief – to meet that with compassion as well, and help it heal. Once that happens, there is no need to pretend. You can be comfortable in your own skin, trust in your own capabilities, and know that you belong wherever you are – because you belong to yourself.
